10 Things To Never Tell Your Fantasy Football Commissioner

There are things you can say to a commissioner when they double as a leaguemate. That would be called trash talking. Let's be clear, this should only be directed at this person's team, and/or their abilities as a fantasy football manager. Anything about their abilities as a commissioner, that's off limits. Don't even bother. They do the dirty work so that everyone else in the league can have fun. So when it comes to how they're doing as a commissioner, say less than nothing*.

*based on real things said by real people in real leagues that fell apart

10 Things to Never Say to Your Commissioner

“I’ll pay after the draft.”

Oh, right. You want to see if you like your team first before you commit? HAHAH ... no. There’s a reason poker players have big “Blinds.” You have to pay before you know your hand. Otherwise, what’s stopping you (Or anyone else) from backing out if you fumble your draft picks? Don’t make the commissioner have to chase you down. It’s simple: You don’t pay, you don’t draft.

“You didn’t tell us that.”

Oh, but they did. You were just too busy shit talking to click on the league rules. You were just too busy calling them a nerd to read through the Google doc that they sent out, laying out all of the league’s bylaws in detail. Look … You don’t have to read the fine print, but don’t complain when the commissioner enforces the fine print.

“I’m not good at remembering to set my lineup lol.”

Do you also tell your first dates that you hate compromising? Do you also tell your boss that you hate showing up to work? Setting your lineup is … the bare f*cking minimum. If you can’t do that, don’t join the league. You’re not quirky and funny, you’re lazy. And you’re wasting everyone’s time.

“Y’all pick the date. Worst case, I’ll auto draft.”

The commissioner is asking for input. They’re trying to find a date and time that works for everyone because … they want it to work for everyone. That includes you. We’ve all seen you carve out time for fishing trips, birthday parties, family events, and a round of golf in advance. You’re perfectly capable of carving out 3 hours for a fantasy football draft. Whether you join in person or not, you can make some time to pick your own team. Trust me. Auto drafting a kicker in the seventh round will piss everyone off.

“Hey, can you do me a favor?”

Here’s the thing … they can’t. A commissioner has to keep the playing field even. That’s tough enough without you asking for special favors.

“I forgot to put in my waivers last night and I need a defense for today’s games.”

"I didn’t realize my player was on BYE. The games literally just kicked off, can you move him out of my lineup? No one’s scored yet, so it doesn’t change anything.”

No. No. Shoo. Go on now! GET!!

“Can you ask the league if they’d be OK with changing it?”

I’m all for rule changes. It happens. There’s always room for growth. But if you have an issue with a setting, don’t make the commissioner take the fall for it. Propose your side of things to the league. Speak your mind. Then, the commissioner can call for a vote. They’re here to keep the wheels in the cog turning … not to take the heat for your wild rule proposition.

“You take this commissioner stuff too seriously.”

You didn’t think they took things too seriously when they handed you all of your winnings last year, did ya? They managed to collect money from a handful of lazy friends who “forgot to pay” or would “pay them later.” If they hadn’t taken things seriously, you wouldn’t have gotten all your money. There’s rules for a reason. Sh*t falls apart real quick when there’s no one to keep the ship afloat. Don’t give them hell for it. If you think it’s easy to run a league, it’s probably because your commissioner has done a great job of fighting off BS behind the scenes all season long to make it seem easy. Thank them.

“Just hold onto my winnings for next year.”

So you won third place? Congrats! And your winnings are the exact amount as the league’s buy-in? Double congrats! But the commissioner isn’t your financial advisor. They don’t want to keep a spreadsheet open all offseason long just because you don’t want to hold on to your own money. Keep it clean and simple: You win. You get paid. Next season, you pay your dues.

“You’ve got to stop that lopsided trade from going through.”

Lopsided trades are trades, too. If it’s not collusion/cheating, then we let it ride. The commissioner isn’t here to decide what a “fair trade” looks like. They’re here to kick managers out of the league if/when they cheat. Complain all you want, but it’s not the commissioner’s job to weigh out everyone’s trades on a scale.

“You’re cheating!”

Let me guess. You think the commissioner can see all of the hidden FAAB waivers? You think the commissioner secretly meddled with the league scoring settings after your matchup? Come on. Leagues aren’t run on pencil and paper anymore! The app you’re playing on will alert everyone if the commissioner uses their powers to make a change. There’s transparency built in. And no, your commish can’t see your FAAB bids. They’re a f*cking commissioner of a fantasy football league, not a deity.