Week 3 'Scared Money' Parlays: The One With All The 'Friends' References

Welcome to Scared Money, Week 3 (Friends edition)

SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAYYY!

If your job’s a joke and you’re broke -- rest assured that we’re not breaking the bank. Scared Money bets are about the thrill!

I’ll be there for youuu, when the parlays start to bust.

Scared money don’t make money, but it sure does make for some super sweaty friends. So what do ya say? Sweat with me?

The 3 Scared Money Bylaws:

1. May the Odds Never Be In Your Favor: We are absolutely NOT trying to play it safe. The crazier the odds, the better.
2. Narratives Are EVERYTHING: Betting on something meaningless is an emotionally empty abyss. Instead, we're buying into the incredible outcomes that we want to become our reality. We're fans of the game—THAT is what drives the bet.
3. No wager is too small: Even the smallest bets can give you an INCREDIBLE sweat if they revolve around something you believe in. In fact, the smaller the better.

Let's jump into the figurative fountain and get dancing...

HOW YOU DOIN'? +11666 (or, 117ish to 1)

Some of these guys are elite bell-cows. Others are Tush Push beneficiaries. But between them, they’ve already combined for 10 TDs in 2025.

How did I pick these specific seven, you might ask?

Well, I… When I look at them… I…

They make me wanna say “How youuuu doin’?” SO SUE ME.

Anytime Touchdowns - 7 legs

• Christian McCaffrey -260
• Travis Kelce +150
• Derrick Henry -210
• DK Metcalf +155
• Alvin Kamara +115
• Jalen Hurts -150
• Puka Nacua +145

PIVOT!!! +17753 (or, 178ish to 1)

Sometimes (most times), lead RBs score the touchdowns. Other times, teams have to pivot and give the ball to their fresher-legged man.

In Week 1, it was Braelon Allen who scored. In Week 2, we saw Tyler Allgeier and Blake Corum do the dance. And TreVeyon Henderson…Well, I can’t quit him, yet.

There’s a soft spot in my heart for these “backups” who can (and do) score on any given Sunday.

Here’s to a 4-way PIVOT.

Anytime Touchdowns - 4 legs

• Blake Corum +450
• Tyler Allgeier +240
• Braelon Allen +185
• TreVeyon Henderson +235

Smelly Cats +3349 (or, 33.5ish to 1)

Our NFL smelly cats aren’t facing terrible odds this week.

And I’m feline(sorry) good about these money lines.

• Detroit has 6 guys on offense that could score multiple TDs.
• Cincinnati doesn’t have their QB1, but neither does their opponent.
• Carolina is facing a divisional rival and we’ve seen underdogs win those before.
• Jacksonville... Just needs to remember that Brian Thomas Jr is on the team.

MEOWneylines - 4 legs

• DET moneyline +190
• JAX moneyline -125
• CIN moneyline +136
• CAR moneyline +180

We Were On A Break! +19293 (or, 193ish to 1)

WR1s with no TDs to show for it??

But we can’t be mad at their teammates for scoring in their end zone absence. They were on a break!

Anytime Touchdowns - 6 legs

• Jaxon Smith-Njigba +115
• A.J. Brown +185
• Tetairoa McMillan +170
• Mike Evans +120
• CeeDee Lamb -115
• Jakobi Meyers +185

The One with the Hot Streaks +7385 (or, 74ish to 1)

Want a hot streak? I’ll give you a hot streak.

Every one of these players have scored in BOTH of the first two games this season. Well, except for one of them.

I think we can forgive Amon-Ra for the 0 TDs in Week 1 after his 9-115-3 in Week 2. At least, I know I can.

Anytime Touchdowns - 5 legs

• Saquon Barkley
• Amon-Ra St Brown
• Rome Odunze
• Deebo Samuel
• Emeka Egbuka

The One with the Rookies +17319 (or, 173ish to 1)

Rookie Fever was never a phase, mom! It’s a lifestyle!

Who says these rookies that we hyped up all offseason can’t score (again)?

• The Seahawks can’t only throw to JSN. We saw that in Week 2 when Horton scored.
• TeSlaa may only get 1 target a game, but another way to say that is: He’s scored on 50% of his catches.
• Egbuka is f*cking Egbuka. (Injury alert. But he was seen practicing Friday.)
• McMillan has more air yards than a goddamn kite at this point. We just need the end zone.

Let the boys eat!

Anytime Touchdowns - 4 legs

• Tory Horton +360
• Isaac TeSlaa +450
• Tetairoa McMillan +170
• Emeka Egbuka +155

Scared Money side effects may include rooting for the Panthers, nausea, and extreme 4th quarter sweats. More serious side effects may include increased heart rate, high blood pressure, and swelling inside of your pants as the parlays come close to hitting. Scared Money Bets are not recommended for pregnant or nursing women as they might forget they are pregnant or nursing during the final quarter of the game. Ask your doctor if Scared Money bets are right for you.