In today's Fantasy Life Newsletter, presented by Hims:
I stood paralyzed in aisle 23.
I'd recently moved into a new home with a lot of flooring, necessitating a new mop. I hadn't given the purchase any consideration prior to arriving at the store. After all, it's a mop and a bucket—a mundane affair.
But this store stocks a dozen mop choices. String mops. Sponge mops. Strip mops. Flat mops. Spray mops. Now what?
Despite having little practical knowledge of mopping, I quickly attempted to break down my (presumed) qualities of an excellent mop: absorbency, durability, versatility, and cleaning efficiency. But, that's a lot of variables applied to a lot of different styles of mops, creating a confounding mental matrix that only stupefied me further.
Pivoting, I conjured history's greatest mopper: Cinderella. Because her evil stepmother was a domineering, Type-A control freak, Cinderella had to be a tremendous mopper, leaving gleaming, particle-free floors.
Cinderella used a traditional string mop and a wooden bucket. And my wife isn't nearly as demanding as Lady Tremaine. If it's good enough for Cinderella, it's good enough for me.
I reached for the most basic mop, a garden-variety string mop: $18—still a lot for a basic mop, but cheaper than most. And that's when my wife entered aisle 23.
"What are you doing?" she demanded, accusingly.
"I've picked a mop," I answered, brandishing my cheap string mop like a rapier, pointing it at her face, swishing it in the air.
"No! We need a mop system," she implored. It never dawned on me that there'd be a system for mops.
She beelined for a large box boasting a totally new, life-changing mop experience. "This is the mop of my dreams!" she gushed.
"Your wet dreams involve mopping?" I asked. Apparently, I've been doing it wrong since I was 14.
She pulled a $65 contraption off the shelf with dual-layered buckets and some kind of twirling mechanism. "You wring the mop with your foot!"
And here, I've been wringing with my arms, like some kind of prehistoric caveman. I felt like an old man.
Well, $65 later, I was the owner of a mopping system. In my world, that's almost 22 entries into a $3 best ball tournament.
Once home, I mopped with all four appendages, like the kids do, apparently. During this mundane task, I thought to myself, "There must be a way I can turn this $65 fiasco into a fantasy football learning experience. Are there old players who can wring one more year out of their career?"
And with that, newsletter readers, I present seven old men, along with my predictions of their ability to wring the mop one more time.
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Are These RBs’ Mops Wrung Out?
Houston RB Joe Mixon: Age 29; 2,313 career touches
There's plenty of reason for concern with Joe Mixon. But hopefully it won't matter due to his likely high volume in Houston. The Texans' OL was awful last year and doesn't look any better this season. Last year, Houston ranked 30th in ESPN's Run Block Win Rate and 27th in PFF's run-blocking rating. Also worrisome, Mixon ran out of gas last year. Over his final six games, he dropped to 29th in rushing yards, 31st in yards per carry, and 25th in avoided tackle rate.
New Orleans RB Alvin Kamara: Age 30; 2,242 career touches
Alvin Kamara got dealt a tough hand last year. His offensive line was battered and ineffective. His quarterback play was dreadful once Derek Carr was lost. And every starting Saints receiver was knocked out. Kamara played gallantly despite all that.
Kamara posted his highest yards per carry in three years. His 18% broken tackle rate wasn't great, but it was identical to Saquon Barkley and James Cook—he ranked as PFF's RB19, after finishing as RB28, RB31, and RB50 the previous three years. The addition of first-round left tackle Kelvin Banks should make an immediate impact. Even with Chris Olave and Rashid Shaheed expected to be healthy for Week 1, Kamara's going to have to carry much of the burden of the offense, and he should see something close to the 296 touches he had last year.
Arizona RB James Conner: Age 30; 1,663 career touches
I keep thinking the end is near for James Conner, but he keeps defying me with his strong play. We saw few, if any, signs of decline from Conner last season. He finished third-best in avoided tackle rate (28.8%), which accelerates to No. 1 if we tighten the radius to players with at least 160 carries. His 4.6 yards per carry ranked 13th-best and was the second-highest of his career. He's coming off a career-high 236 carries, but that's a very reasonable number for an NFL starter, and his 1,663 career touches pale in comparison to other 30-year-olds, like Kamara.
The Cardinals didn't add any substantive free agents or rookies in the offseason. Conner likely starts the season as the Cardinals’ bell cow, and unless Trey Benson is a lot better as a sophomore, Conner will hold the job all year.
IS JAMES CONNER RANKED TOO LOW??
Four Pass Catchers Battling Father Time
Miami WR Tyreek Hill: Age 31; 1,022 career touches
Hill's play fell off a cliff last year, and it'll take nards of steel to draft him anywhere close to his previous seasons' ADP. Let's address the Tua excuse now. Yes, losing Tua Tagovailoa for five games was a contributing factor, but in 12 games with Tua, the four-time All-Pro had only two top-10 finishes versus five finishes at WR30 or worse. Tyreek posted a career-low PFF grade, 38 fewer receptions, and 840 fewer yards than the previous year. Always known for explosive plays, his yards after catch dropped to 3.6, only the 35th-best among starting wideouts. Despite playing all 17 games, he posted six-year lows in receptions, yards, and explosive plays of 20+ yards.
Los Angeles WR Davante Adams: Age 32; 1,029 career touches
Dude's still got it. Last season, Adams didn't look different from his previous outstanding seasons. Despite awful Raiders' quarterbacking to start the season, followed by indiscriminate volume passing from Aaron Rodgers, Adams posted a 60% catch rate, his highest level since his heyday in Green Bay. Speaking of the good old days, Adams moves into the best offense he's seen since his Packers days. Sean McVay and Matthew Stafford represent massive upgrades for Adams. In LA, Adams will run many of Cooper Kupp's vacated routes from the slot. In New York last year, Adams ran more slot routes than outside routes. I'll note that last year's drop rate was unusually high (10%), but there are a few other metrics to suggest a dropoff.
Kansas City TE Travis Kelce: Age 35; 1,191 career touches
Travis Kelce didn't fall off a cliff last year, but we're all witnessing a gentle slide into retirement. I credit him for staying healthy once again—one of his best, most bankable qualities. But the eye test tells us that Kelce is slowing down, and some key metrics back that up. Per NextGenStats, his yards per catch plummeted to just 3.7, down from 5.2 the year before. Kelce's separation dropped from 3.7 yards to 3.2 yards. And he fell from 5th to 13th in end-zone target percentage, which helps explain why he scored only 3 touchdowns. At age 35, it would be nearly unprecedented for Kelce to reverse these trends.
Carolina WR Adam Thielen: Age 35; 729 career touches
Despite being the oldest player on this list, I think/hope we can wring out one more good season from Adam Thielen. A few weeks ago, he confessed that this is probably his final season. But damn, he was downright magnificent upon his return from last year's hamstring injury.
From Week 13 forward, Thielen was the PFF WR11 and PPR WR20. He made two astounding circus catches from Bryce Young, the likes of which few players can replicate. The drafting of Tetairoa McMillan doesn't change my outlook for Thielen, who'll enter the season with all the advantages that come with his veteran skillset and 2024 season under Dave Canales.
HOW DO THEY RANK FOR DYNASTY WIN-NOW TEAMS?
This Week In NFL News …
It doesn’t matter that it’s the middle of May and the NFL Draft is behind us. It doesn’t matter that we’re still roughly 16 weeks away from kickoff of the Week 1 NFL season.
The NFL news cycle doesn’t sleep, and this week is further proof of that.
Not only did the NFL release the 2025 schedule, but two stars at their respective positions were rewarded with massive paydays.
Derrick Henry made history with his two-year, $30M extension with the Ravens—the largest deal in NFL history for a running back over 30 years old.
Brock Purdy went from Mr. Irrelevant to Mr. Money Bags, locking down a five-year, $265M extension on Friday, putting him near the top of the list in annual salary among quarterbacks.
Where do these players rank ahead of 2025, and how does the news this week affect those rankings? Let’s dive in. ⬇️
PLUS: Which Bye Week Should We Circle?
Around the Watercooler
The latest fantasy nuggets, silliness, and NFL gossip from our merry band of football nerds.
👀 Revenge is a dish best served cold. Circle these dates for a serving of revenge.
💪 Early DST streamers to consider based on the schedule release … some hidden gems.
📺 Glass-half-full and glass-half-empty takes on rookies. A must-watch for dynasty players.
😂 Knicks fans have gone feral after a Game 6 win. What NFL fanbase would do this?!
🚀 Just when I thought I was out … the Anthony Richardson hype pulls me back in.
🤫 Week 1 projections are coming. Are drafters too low on CMC and Alvin Kamara?
